time to begin.
writing my thoughts, my heart, my mind.
share it with myself.
to practice.
what do I write? my live? my past? my everyday?
I have to believe that I am valuable, that my life and my experiences have worth.so much has happened to me that it’s overwhelming to try and put into words.
I begin by writing for myself.
“Father, help me. Guide me.please.”
I will share what I have journaled, written and the words I will write, so maybe someone can know that they are not alone.
Sipping my Panamanian coffee that has been in the freezer for three months is a simple pleasure. sometimes as I sip, I smell the air of our apartment in the city. the apartment where my Ella was born, where Noah turned 5, where Natalia prayed with me and encouraged me every single day, as well as helped me wash and clean. she would take care of my Ella when I didn’t have the strength. Where Phillip had his ‘event’.
I remember sitting with Natalia, sipping coffee, listening to her story in Spanish, weeping as she prayed for me. she always prayed for me. she was a mother to me when my mother was so far away. she was a spiritual example to me.
she was a light in my everyday, the help and friend I didn’t know I needed.
and now I sit alone, sipping my coffee, remembering her, and the years spent in Panama and my heart aches. it aches for connection, for community, for genuine belonging. i felt I belonged there, when I was actually a foreigner. isn’t that what Jesus does?
how do I create that belonging for someone else? for others who are outsiders…
I remember. I ponder. I ache. my heart longs for another time and another place, a place where I felt loved, and valued, and felt belonging. a place my children were loved and cared for by the family of believers around us. then I remember that I am there no more.
and I want to sleep. shut down. my loneliness breeds aloneness.
and yet my heart hears:
“say goodby to golden yesterdays-or your heart will never learn to love the present”
-Anthony de Mello SJ
love the present? what is there to love?
oh, right…
my kids, my parents, my friends… and many other lovelies that I need to recognize as blessings and be grateful for the right here and now.
